Harry Potter but Make It an Emotional Reset Spiral
This is my first post of the year. Not because I was carefully planning a thoughtful literary reset, but because I have finally emerged from my sickbed after being taken out by COVID like a Victorian child with a fainting couch.
I am upright. I am caffeinated. I am ready to spiral.
Instead of resolutions or productivity delusions, I am starting the year the only way that feels emotionally correct. By revisiting the books that raised us. The series that taught an entire generation how to romanticize libraries, trauma, found family, and adults who absolutely should not have been in charge of children. And yet. Here we are.
This is not a serious literary analysis. This is me standing at the beginning of a brand new year, looking back at the stories that permanently rewired my brain, lovingly poking fun at the stupid parts, and admitting they still have me in a chokehold.
Welcome to the first unhinged post of the year. We survived these books. Now we roast them.
UBR Review of the Entire Harry Potter Series
aka: the books that raised us, confused us, and taught us that adults are wildly irresponsible.
Overall Vibes:
✨ childhood wonder.
✨ library smell nostalgia.
✨ trauma speedrun for minors.
✨ British boarding school but with murder.
You did not read these. You survived them.
Book 1: Sorcerer’s Stone
Tiny orphan. Magic school. Hat decides your personality in five seconds. Teachers immediately endanger children. Cozy. Perfect. No notes. Except why is the stone just… there.
Book 2: Chamber of Secrets
Someone is petrifying kids and the adults are like “hm.” Sentient diary gaslights a child. Plumbing based murder monster. Still cozy somehow.
Book 3: Prisoner of Azkaban
Depression ghosts. Time travel introduced casually. Turns out Harry’s dad was kind of a menace. The series realizes trauma exists and never shuts up about it again. vibes.
Book 4: Goblet of Fire
The series says “we’re not for kids anymore.” A school competition but make it lethal. Cedric deserved better. The Yule Ball ruined us socially forever.
Book 5: Order of the Phoenix
Angsty Harry screams at everyone. Pink fascist teacher commits emotional war crimes. This book is 900 pages of rage and detention.
Book 6: Half-Blood Prince
Potion book fanfiction. Draco brooding. Lore dump. Turns out Voldemort is powered by unresolved issues and terrible parenting.
Book 7: Deathly Hallows
Camping. So much camping. Everyone dies. Magic vibes are replaced with “wow this is a lot.” Childhood exits the chat.
Characters, Rapid Fire:
Dumbledore knew everything and explained nothing.
Snape needed therapy, not a redemption arc.
The Weasleys carried this series on vibes alone.
Hermione was doing unpaid labor from page one.
Hagrid should not have been in charge of children.
Final UBR Verdict:
Were they perfect? No.
Did they emotionally imprint on an entire generation? Unfortunately yes.
Do we still think about our Hogwarts house in moments of stress? Be honest.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ for nostalgia.
⭐️⭐️⭐️ for logic.
♾️ stars for the chokehold.
xoxo
